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Our favorite 80s movie monsters head to their corners to battle it out for the title of the baddest, freakiest and (of course) cheesiest of the decade

Just another top ten list: 80s-style. Let’s have a go-round with some monsters! They come in all shapes and sizes. I’ll ring the bell and please … let’s keep it cheesy folks.

Ding!

1. The Snake Man/Dreamscape

Dreamscape

Dennis Quaid, brother to that funny guy in the Vacation movies, not only battled a vicious water-park shark in the 80s, but also this human-snake bad guy thing, that was not only not terrifying in its dated (even for then) claymation, but somehow still pulled off being cool as hell. A very definition of good/bad. Cobra Commander needs to take two steps back and recognize.

2. The Shark/Jaws 3D

Jaws 3D

Remember that unforgettable 80s moment when our anti-hero (I rooted for him this go-round) came at us in 3D, motionless as a loaf of bread, teeth out, hungry, looking horrible, unlike anything resembling something that would be considered realistic, and he smashed his way through that glass and into my heart as I laughed uncontrollably as Louis Gossett Jr. and Randy Quaid’s brother, Dennis, got all wet, and the shark, like, bit a grenade, and this one guy who was already half eaten, like, still had the grenade in his hand and then…

3. Tar Slick/Creepshow II

Creepshow

The Blob? Never heard of her.

4. That Thing on the Wing/Twilight Zone: The Movie

Twilight Zone

Gremlins. They are always up to their old tricks. When not multiplying with water or eating after midnight, gremlins can take out a 747 with ease, leaving us to wonder just what the hell really happened up there? Must have been the lightning. Wanna see something really scary? That’s the movie’s tag line. Well, this is far from scary—but it’s great never the less, and John Lithgow rocked as the passenger going mad.

5. Evil Troll/ Cat’s Eye

Cat's Eye

Gremlins are one thing, but we all hate trolls. They always leave their nasty comments on social media and torture us with their opinions. The next step in their master plan, steal a young Drew Barrymore’s breath. We have reached the next level in stupid things that a troll will do, and this is one troll you can’t block.

6. Roger Cobb’s Ex-Wife/House

House

What’s worse than drama from a baby’s mama? When she comes over, gets possessed beyond ugly, steals your double-barrel shotgun, points it at your head, and says, “Say your prayers,” like a munchkin on helium. Terrifying? Nah. It was hilarious. And cool. And that’s why it’s here on the list.

7. The Preacher/Silver Bullet

Silver Bullet

Preacher? Man of god? Torn soul? One-Eye’d Monster? All of the above.  Despite being taken out by a boy in a wheelchair, this wolf got our attention back in the day in this little Stephen King flick that we all seem to love equally. And for good reason! True, the wolf makeup isn’t the greatest, but Everett McGill was, and the nightmare scene in the chapel was fantastic. And besides, anything with Gary Busey is worth a gander or two.

8. Evil Ed/Fright Night

Fright Night

If we are putting a werewolf on this list, I have to put a vampire. Which one? Like you didn’t know. Everyone’s favorite nerd: the wise-cracking Evil Ed Thompson. With a crazy cackle, burned cross on his forehead, awesome tag line (You’re so cool, Brewster!) and an ever-increasing gap tooth problem, this vampire will go down in history as the greatest shapeshifter this side of a bad episode of late night TV. He’s fun, steals the show in every scene he’s in, and earns the title of the greatest vampire since Dracula. This in NOT debatable for me.

9. The Alligator/Alligator

Alligator

Some monsters can only attack in the water. Weak! Unless you’re in the water with them, not really a threat. (Sharknado? Please, let’s not go there.) But this rubber-looking bad boy with an overbite goes wherever he pleases to feast. Where does he go to reign terror? Everywhere! Toilets, sewers, sidewalks, alleyways, swimming pools, ultra-wealthy parties, you name it. And this is one beast that won’t hesitate to swallow a kid. Shameless.

10. Robin’s Twins/ V the Final Battle

V

Last but not least on our list, the gross, V: the Final Battle half-breeds. There are two things that can almost guarantee twins. One is I.V.F., and the other is bumping uglies with a reptilian alien. This little tike above shocked an entire nation when it blew us a snake kiss at our made-for-TV screens back in the day. And if that wasn’t cool enough, the other “kid” crawled out on his own in an extreme close-up. There was never a stronger case against bestiality.

V


Brad McCormick is a lover of all things cool and the author of “Switchblade: A Killer Comedy”. He also writes for VHS Revival and Morbidly Beautiful.com in his spare time. His work is available on Amazon and Barnes&Noble.com.

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