The Daily Dig: Gutterballs (2008)

“Gutterballs” is an unwatchable, misogynistic piece of garbage written with a petulant, perverted child’s brain.

A serial killer stalks unlikable teens in a bowling alley. Let’s dig into 2008’s GUTTERBALLS, directed by Ryan Nicholson!

As I See It

Let me give you an excellent example of the type of people that made this film. There was a promotion on the production’s website that was selling limited edition copies of a DVD. What was the number of available copies? 69. Get it now?

If you played beer league hockey and got out on the ice and saw a player wearing number sixty-nine, with a smoked shield and his jersey tucked into his hockey pants, you know exactly what kind of opponent you’re in for. And that is an appropriate analogy for this film and its creator.

We spend the first nine minutes (isn’t the opening supposed to pull the viewer in?) with some puerile, gay bashing between what looks like mid-twenties actors who I assume are playing in their late teens. In the words of the great Linkavitch Chmofsky, “The cheese is old and moldy.”

The weapons of the BBK (Bowling Ball Killer, I presume) are what you would naturally expect: a bowling pin sharpened to a point and another two made into nun-chucks.

The killer also wears a bowling ball bag on their head with the embroidered design positioned strategically to act as some semblance of a face.

So let’s get into the rest. An unbelievable ten-minute plus gang r*pe scene to set up the plot, I assume. The only problem with that is it didn’t set up the plot but a little red herring and mostly just played out for the pleasure of Nicholson and the other actors. It’s brutal.

We segue from bowling pin penetration to straight-up porn. Literally.

Nicholson filmed a blowjob and showed it because he’s a real man, and real men show everything and leave nothing to the imagination. Novel.

Movies are filled with hyperbole. There are tons of films with unbelievably terrible characters. Somehow, Nicholson saw fit to write a script with an entire cast of absolute pieces of shit characters. He tried to cover it up — like putting newspaper on top of a puddle of dog piss — with a bunch of solid low-budget practical gore.

The amount of “fucks” spoken in the film supposedly lands it in the top four of all time, but I would argue that it might be the highest percentage of actual dialogue from any film because there is little else said except “fuck…” over and over again.

This isn’t a comedy, no matter how cheesy and over-the-top it is. It’s Nicholson giving himself a hand job and calling it a film.

Famous Faces

The only recognizable thing in this film is a bowling pin.

Of Gratuitous Nature

There’s no excuse for anything in this film. Everything is done for shock value because the director felt he needed to show everything. He couldn’t rely on his filmmaking prowess to be clever. That “everything” just happened to be for his own masturbatory pleasure.

Heartthrob

Quite literally, the only cinematic element in this film is the montage that plays over the title sequence. It’s good B-roll footage of a bowling alley.

Ripe for a Remake

Fuck off.

Spawns

Yea, someone gave Nicholson money to make a sequel.

Where to Watch

The only film I’ve ever watched that I knew I would never watch again was A Serbian Film. I can now add a second film to that list. If you still feel inclined to check this one out, watch it on Fandor or Screambox, or rent it on Amazon.