Movie Night: Ouija Shark 2

What do you want from a movie called “Ouija Shark 2”? If the answer is wildly entertaining, ridiculously weird nonsense, you’re in luck!

Criticism is a fascinating art form. There are plenty of people who will tell you it’s nothing more than a glorified opinion. And you know what? They’re not totally wrong. Criticism IS an opinion, filtered through a number of carefully selected matrices, used to determine precisely where a piece of art falls in something at least resembling an objective certainty.

It is, of course, subjective to a certain degree. The best faith critic can’t avoid personal biases worming their way into the most clarified assessment.

But.

I believe — and certainly, some would disagree with me — the key to any sort of reliable, usable, and valuable criticism is understanding precisely what the media you are assessing, what it hopes to do, and what it strives to be.

I am concerned that all of this seems a bit heady for a review of Ouija Shark 2, but you know what? Someone worked hard on this movie. Was that someone Scorcese? Jesus Christ, no. But does that make it any less worthy of a good-faith review of its value? Absolutely not.

So before we can make any sort of assessment of Ouija Shark 2, let us take a moment to consider precisely what Ouija Shark 2 is.

It would be neither fair nor reasonable to assess Ouija Shark 2 against the same scale we use for Jaws. Jaws is a masterpiece created by a genius. What is Ouija Shark 2?

Ouija Shark 2 is a movie made by a fun dad.

He has learned some neat graphic design software, and honestly, your mom is JUST as into this new hobby as he is; she loved it!

And their new friends, Bob and Colleen, were super excited to be in a movie, especially once fun-dad pulled out his chest of old Halloween costumes and your old hand-puppets that you left behind once you went to college. And Uncle Bill was happy to provide the music as long as he got to crack a few jokes in the movie. Even your cousin, Jason, participated. So honestly, if you want a part, you and your nice new roommate, there’s plenty of room; we can just squeeze you in there.

Does this clarify? Jesus, I hope so.

I went into Ouija Shark 2 with neither prior knowledge nor bias. My objective, stated clearly and plainly, was to give it the clearest eyes, the fullest heart. And in all sincerity, I kind of had a blast with this deeply dumb movie.

Make no mistake, Ouija Shark 2 is not good. The actors — god bless ‘em — all seem like they’re doing someone a favor, but they’re doing their best. They also all seem to have provided their own costumes. The lead actor-the aforementioned fun dad-is wearing a sort of Edward Scissorhands by way of Dr. Strange bondage gear. And that’s fine, honestly. Nothing will fully prepare you for the sight of the demon inexplicably wearing a Kangol hat.

I had not previously seen Ouija Shark, and I was a little worried I might not know the mythology.

Credit where it’s due; the sequel works hard to lay the groundwork necessary to introduce newbies to the world.

A little less credit, that groundwork is fucking bonkers.

I could make some vague effort to explain screen-writer/director/star John Migliore’s plot. But how could I ever truly prepare you?

The loosest possible explanation: Anthony (played by Migliore) is stitched in some sort of Dante-esque circle of hell. He’s trying to get out to protect the world from the demon Caldura and his Kangol hat (Simon Wheeldon) and the titular Ouija shark. Meanwhile, his wife, Cressida (such a subtle name, played by Deborah Jayne Reilly Smith), is trying to draw him out of this semi-hell with the help of a baby psychic (Kylie Gough).

Does this all sound bananas? Well, bad news (or good, depending on your perspective), I haven’t even cracked the peel yet.

Here’s the thing. Everything about Ouija Shark 2 is bonkers. It’s amateurish and silly and not cobbled together terribly well. If you compare it to Jaws or even Alligator, it fares poorly.

But.

That’s not who Ouija Shark 2 is.

Ouija Shark 2 is an aggressively goofy, silly, fun movie.

If you tell me that the titular shark and its eventual nemesis-the inexplicable tarot gator-aren’t hand puppets, I’ll call you a goddamn liar.

This is a movie made by a dad with Final Cut, a jokebook, and a dream. And honesty, drink a glass of wine or five, and you’re going to have a fucking blast.

There is no way to use traditional critical metrics for this movie. It’s unfair to the movie, it’s unfair to you as a viewer, and it’s sure as hell unfair to me as a reviewer.

The movie is absolute nonsense.

But did I have fun watching it? FUCK yes. And honestly, in an increasingly cynical world, isn’t that something?

Do not look for greatness. But if you’re looking for something fun, silly, and easily digestible that will make you say, “What the hell?” every five minutes, you could do a hell of a lot worse than Ouija Shark 2.