Kindertrauma: Here Comes Peter Cottontail (1971)

Prepare for a wild ride through childhood trauma and villain appreciation with the bizarre Easter special “Here Comes Peter Cottontail”.

Generally speaking, I steer as clear as possible from the whole “you couldn’t make this movie today” rhetoric as possible. It’s lazy and usually entirely inaccurate. But holy shit, y’all. I cannot imagine what circumstances would be necessary in a modern society to facilitate the deep weirdness of Here Comes Peter Cottontail.

I suppose you could argue that there’s a reason that this particular Rankin-Bass nightmare hasn’t endured the way that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Santa Claus is Coming to Town have. And perhaps that reason is pure, unadulterated weirdness.

I saw HERE COMES PETER COTTAINTAIL as a child, and honestly it kind of fucked me up.

Let’s get the basics out of the way, and try to stay with me here, because just establishing the basics is truly bonkers in the conkers.

The soups-to-nuts idea of the Easter nightmare is that for a new Easter bunny to be crowned, conventional, popular rabbit Peter has to prove he can give out more eggs than goth queen bitch Iron Tail (who, to be clear, is EVERYTHING).

However, Iron Tail gives Peter’s alarm clock rooster some corn-flavored bubble gum that keeps them from crowing to wake Peter up in time to deliver the eggs (stay with me!).

Peter then runs into the omniscient narrator of the movie, who pairs him up with a French caterpillar with a human head (and mustache) and a time machine, that Peter uses to try to deliver eggs to different holidays.

What?

Yes, it’s absolutely bonkers—and I haven’t even addressed the talking Easter bonnet yet!

Ok, so…

While Peter Cottontail is tripping through time with—again—a talking hat and a caterpillar with a human head (and mustache) and a French accent, a cool goth rabbit riding a bat-voiced by Vincent Price-is chasing them, trying to thwart their egg-delivering efforts.

I cannot imagine the writer’s room that led to this. It is… bananas. Additionally, as Peter travels through time, he lands in Valentine’s Day, where he meets a pretty girl bunny, and sings an (admittedly, pretty baller) song about having a one-night stand. It’s a great song about two rabbits fucking for just one night.

And beneath all of this is the weird, occasional horror of Iron Tail (who deserves to be a horror icon, honestly) trying to turn April Valley into a goth paradise.

As a kid, I found it pretty jarring and upsetting; Iron Tail works with bats and spiders. It’s all intended to be terrifying, and to a kiddo, it is! To an adult… it’s fucking BANANAS.

The bonkers thing about watching it as an adult versus watching it as a child is that grown-up me is rooting more for Iron Tail than frat-bro Peter, who partied so hard he slept through egg delivery.

There’s a weird darkness about Here Comes Peter Cottontail that is independent of how absolutely wild the concept is.

This one’s for the horror girlies, boys, and enbies.

Iron Tail is an icon. I’m honestly surprised he hasn’t had a second life, a re-evaluation as a high-camp, super fun horror character. He is SUPER goth—the goth ideal. And truly, this strange little movie comes to life when Vincent Price somehow manages to chew the scenery even as a simple voice role.

Perhaps it’s because of how nebulous the actual moral of the story is.

If Iron Tail kind of cheated by giving Peter’s alarm clock bubblegum (VERY nebulous cheating), didn’t Peter also cheat by using a time machine?

I think a lot of goth kiddos see a fucking preppy bunny winning out because everyone liked him already and he manipulated the system and feel… frustration?

But at the same time, there has never been a cooler kinder-trauma horror icon than Iron Tail the bunny, voiced by the absolute king himself, Vinnie Price.

The thing that hits different as an adult, is the idea that Peter Cottontail is kind of a dick. He’s managed to get by on everyone liking him, and his second chance hinges on the same. Iron Tail wouldn’t have been given the same second chance.

While the movie obviously skews towards Pete’s perspective, I suspect many, myself included, awkward goth kiddos really lit into that perspective.

It’s funny, because I set out to write this article from the perspective of kinder trauma, a very valid read of the movie, but my larger takeaway is the trauma of those of us who saw our bullies stumble into success simply because they were charming.

Peter fucks up. We’re still supposed to feel like, somehow, because he’s more conventionally cute and likable, he deserves the job, despite failing because he was doing bunny keg shots.

Justice for Iron Tail.

Maybe the real horror is watching mediocre white bunnies be handed every opportunity on a platter.