Cage Match: Primal (2019)

“Primal” is a jungle of mediocrity where B-movie thrills and CGI predators collide in a ship-bound showdown that’s more sedated than savage.

This week’s Cage Match (as chosen by the random number generator from Cage’s entire filmography) was the obscure 2019 Southern gothic thriller Grand Isle. For the People’s Pick, we put two other 2019 action thrillers up for a vote: Primal and A Score to Settle. In the end, Primal won by an overwhelming majority, giving us a wild double feature to sink our teeth into.

IN THIS CORNER: KELLY MINTZER

The Lowdown 

I cannot, in good conscience, recommend it as a double feature, even to my enemiest enemy, but perhaps the best possible viewing of the deeply stupid Nicolas Cage vehicle Primal is after you’ve watched the even stupider Nicolas Cage vehicle Grand Isle. Because despite an absolutely nonsensical plot and some of the shittiest CGI animals I’ve ever seen rendered on film (guys, it was released in 2019. We should have this figured out by now), I didn’t hate this movie.

I didn’t LIKE it, to be clear. But it could have been worse.

And a large part of the credit for the Krusty Ribwich—the “I don’t mind the taste” of it all—is Nicolas Cage.

The man of the hour plays Frank (is this the first time I’ve actually remembered one of his character’s names? It really might be), an exotic animal catcher with a decidedly mercenary bent. Frank has caught a previously unheard of white jaguar and is taking it and several other critters to be sold across the ocean on a boat. A boat which is also transporting an incredibly important prisoner.

We know this because, in an extremely sloppy exposition dump, the attorney general of the United States readily offers this information to several civilians, mostly because Frank said “c’mon.” It did not take much persuasion, is what I’m saying. And while it’s clear that the exposition was for the benefit of the audience and not Frank, it felt extremely clumsy. 

Which, in short, is Primal.

A second pass at the screenplay may not have made it good, but it could have elevated the material, because it’s not the worst idea in the world. Boats make good settings for action and horror movies, because you are trapped. Being caught on one with a volatile criminal (who, you guessed it, gets loose pretty easily) and several dangerous animals creates some pretty solid tension. At least, it should.

Part of the problem is the aforementioned criminal. The movie wants us to believe he is both a genius and a madman, ala Hannibal Lecter. Unfortunately, he comes across mostly as pretty skeezy, and the writing isn’t good enough to sell him as brilliant.

Ironically, the character would have benefited from a gonzo Nicolas Cage performance. Kevin Durand, however, does not have that kind of manic energy, and in an unfortunate twist of biology that is in no way his fault, looks a bit like the love child of Elon Musk and Matthew Lillard. While I love Matthew Lillard deeply, my contempt for Elon Musk may loom larger, making it very hard for me to take him seriously as even vaguely charismatic.

Primal would have been improved vastly by a simple line establishing that Cage and Durand’s characters knew each other in the past. The end hinges on a sort of psychological warfare between the two and the script treats it as if they have some sort of connection. However, the first time these characters met was on this improbable sea voyage. It would have been an incredibly easy fix that would have enriched the climax; as it stands, it felt unearned and confusing.

And of course, there’s the Famke Janssen of it all. Second billing, but boy is she useless. She is the only woman in the movie and seems to exist primarily to exchange barbs and have no sexual tension at all with Nicolas Cage. A totally thankless role. 

The Cage Factor:

I know it seems like I just dedicated several paragraphs to shitting on a movie I said I didn’t hate. These things seem incompatible! But here’s the thing; Nic Cage. Nic Cage IS the thing. And unlike this week’s other steaming turd, Primal seems like a movie Cage actually had fun making. He’s ridiculous! He’s over the top! He’s delivering ludicrous lines! For reasons I can’t even begin to comprehend, he seems to have dyed his stubble. But goddammit, he’s fun to watch.

He is certainly not just sleep walking through this one, and if the whole movie had just been his combative relationship with his parrot, this would be essential. Unfortunately, his parrot friend ends up being another plot thread with no payoff. So I’m giving this a cautious Cage. 

AND IN THIS CORNER: STEPHANIE MALONE

The Lowdown 

Primal arrived amidst a sea of mostly forgettable B-movies that characterized Cage’s career, beginning in the late 2000s with his much-publicized financial troubles and reaching its apex in the 2010s and early 2020s. I hadn’t heard of this one as a Cage superfan, so that tells you something about how big of a splash it made. Unsupririsingly, critics trashed it.

However, like many films in Cage’s long and erratic filmography, whether it sinks or swims depends largely on what viewers expect from it—particularly those tuning it specifically for signature Cage campiness.

This 2019 action thriller, directed by stunt coordinator-turned-filmmaker Nick Powell, attempts to be Con Air on a boat. Now, if you’re like me, that sounds AWESOME! But don’t get too excited. It ends up feeling more like Snakes on a Plane… on a boat — with far less motherf*cking snakes and not nearly enough campy fun.

Like Con Air, the cast is impressive. Unlike Con Air, they are giving little to nothing to do, especially the ship’s sole lady, the lovely but badly written Famke Janssen as a no-nonsense military officer and Cage’s (sort of) love interest.

Cage plays Frank Walsh, a grizzled hunter with a John Wayne drawl, a penchant for the bottle (giving us a taste of drunk Cage, which alone may be worth the watch), and a passion for capturing and selling exotic animals.

When he bags a rare white jaguar – rendered in CGI that would make early PlayStation games blush – he finds himself on a cargo ship alongside a deadly assassin (Kevin Durand, chewing scenery like it’s his last meal).

Naturally, both predators get loose (among other specimens, including angry monkeys, venomous snakes, and smart-mouthed parrots), turning the vessel into a floating zoo of chaos.

Based on that, I was expecting a delightful cocktail of B-movie absurdity. For a while, I thought that’s what I was getting, especially after an opening scene that sets the kind of bonkers tone that would have made this film a cult classic essential — if only that nutty energy was maintained.

Sadly, PRIMAL never fully embraces its ridiculous DNA. It’s not exactly boring, but it’s also never as uncaged as its 90s inspired premise or pitch-perfect casting would suggest.

As with many of his films, Cage is the centerpiece. His quirky intensity adds an unpredictable energy to the film that’s never not compelling. That’s the magic of Cage. Put him on a sinking ship, and he acts as lifeboat keeping the whole damn thing afloat, however improbable that may seem.

Is it “so bad it’s good” fun? Primal leans more toward being “so bad it’s mildly amusing”, but it doesn’t fully embrace the ridiculousness of its premise in a way that some other Cage films do. It is watchable for those who enjoy cheesy, low-budget action films, but it doesn’t quite reach the levels of riotous absurdity that define Cage’s cult favorites.

Perhaps Cage himself sums the fim up best with a line he delivers to his parrot companion: “I just spent 10 months in the jungle, and this all smells like cat shit to me.

The Cage Factor:

All in all, it’s undeniable that without Cage Primal would be a far lesser movie. The fact that it’s as watchable as it is is owed almost entirely from Cage delivering his signature over-the-top, intense acting style that aligns with the film’s absurd premise. He brings undeniable energy and entertainment to an otherwise middling action-thriller.

However, compared to some of Cage’s more celebrated offbeat films, this one lacks the cult charm or comedic absurdity that typically drives those movies to greater acclaim. It offers a bit of fun but is ultimately forgettable, appealing primarily to dedicated Cage fans who enjoy his unique style in any context (myself included).

In the end, Primal is like a declawed big cat – it looks the part but lacks the bite to truly thrill. Still, Cage isn’t phoning it in. This may have been a paycheck role, but he earns every cent of it.