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We all love a good “so bad it’s good” romp with ample silliness and bad CGI, but “Jurassic Triangle” is just plain bad — minus all the fun.

Jurassic Triangle

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Good grief! You’d think I’d know better by now, but here we go with another creature feature that aims to combine dinosaurs and the Bermuda Triangle.

I’m a sucker for this kind of movie. I will watch almost anything in the almost desperate hope that I uncover a low-budget gem that is above the usual standard that makes up a lot of the streaming content now available.

Jurassic Triangle offers a fairly bare-bones plot: a group crash land on a mysterious island (aren’t they always?) and soon fights for survival against a plethora of dinosaurs whose sole intent is to put red meat back on the menu.

We open with three unnamed individuals in an obvious hurry, chased by some poor CGI in a locale that looks more like a woodland area near the Brecon Beacons than somewhere sunny. With scant regard for table manners or plot exposition, the three are removed from the picture by flying beasties (with more than a passing resemblance to a TIE fighter taking off) and the expected T-rex.

Acting is delivered almost mechanically, and I’m pretty sure the T-rex opens the flaps of a tent with its arms.

I knew right away that all bets were off when it came to this B-movie disaster from director Victor de Almeida and writer Harry Boxley.

Waking from a dream, Drew (Darrell Griggs), early bet for hero and love interest, is onboard a helicopter with an English pilot with a boxer’s nose, Issac, who is definitely going to be a pain in the hoop for all concerned, and Beth (Sian Altman), who is nailed on as the final girl.

In chopper number two, we have Jason (Natty shirt, snappy patter – played by Connor Powles), Miss Carlysle (Dorothea Jones), and Phillipa (Chrisse Wunna) — all of whom seem to be pioneering a new form of acting while asleep.

Jenny starts to draw something deep from Andy (not his favorite Sunday) about a missing person while flying into a fog and noticing the radar isn’t working as well as you might have liked (plot point here)

As you might have guessed, both choppers suffer mechanical failure, leading to a failure in acting by those sitting inside whose screams are being played on a continuous loop like some form of a bad trip.

Any hope of this being a rough gem has disappeared, and it’s only 12 minutes in.

Luckily, Issac (Toby Redpath) is a doctor — or used to be — and he pours booze onto an open wound to clean it… because it’s too early to drink it.

Drew is a man with a plan. And that plan is to organize and get water and food despite hearing sounds that make everyone go, ‘What was that?’. He is also sure he has been here before, and to be honest, I wish he’d message me in advance and save me the bother of watching this.

It’s got all the carbon copy ingredients that you have seen before. We’ve got an alcoholic doctor, a heroic leader, exterior shots looking into the camp with low growls off camera that were old hat in the black-and-white era, and plenty of cannon fodder.

There are long, tedious talking moments where each leading character has a moment of exposition where you know it’s a means of padding out time.

Soon enough, the island inhabitants start to make their presence felt. Long, dark cave? There’s a spider. A big one. Woodland glaze? Some form of grasshopper.

Remember the early computer issues? Well, the two pilots confirm that they think they have crashed into a zone that has no measurable time and that creatures are also trapped here from different periods in Earth’s history.

They discover one of the radios is picking something up, and a plan is hatched to get higher to boost the signal.

You know what is coming next.

We have broken the 30-minute mark, and now the race is on to kill as many of the cast as possible while attempting to get off the island before the film ends.

And so, in short order:

Jason is killed via poorly animated Velociraptor, with some of the most uninspired, lackadaisical-sounding screams I’ve ever heard. Ever.

Phillipa exits via some form of horned insect with an explosive secretion, leaving Drew and Beth to escape.

Jax, Lloyd, and Sue appear with guns and questionable attitudes. They are looking for a way out, and it’s good news for all concerned as Andy has made a startling recovery. Jax and co need a pilot and have the means of escape but just need to get there.

Sue and Lloyd meet the same fate as Phillipa: death by noise (?). Honestly, it’s hard to tell at this point, but at least it frees up two places on the flight.

Jax follows swiftly afterward, but nobody notices. After all, if you have your head popped in a wood and there is no one there to hear it, does it make a sound?

Then Issac dies, giving him an almost redemptive arc. The reason behind it is unclear, and I’m going for an injury suffered in the crash. Or boredom; I just can’t tell at this point.

Drew goes for guns, leaving the three to make their way to the plane (boss), where they find the skeletal remains of Lucy in a tent. Andy confesses that it’s his fault they are where they are because he wanted to find his daughter, Lucy.

The last 15 minutes are just, well, stupid.

Both the pilots buy the farm, leaving Drew and Beth to take their chances with a T-rex and the Horned creature.

I bet you can’t guess what happens next… it’s that sort of plot turn that annoys you. However, the filmmakers almost redeemed themselves with an ending that made me laugh.

I don’t like to bash films. I know that low-budget films sometimes possess a charm that makes watching them worthwhile because those involved make the limitations work for them and, ultimately, the film.

Jurassic Triangle, however, is an unfortunate combination of a poor script, wooden performances, and seriously questionable CGI.

Some of the exterior shots showing the windswept grasses and the dense forest are great; these do pay off when used to convey that something is chasing or observing, and there is a feeling of scope when these are deployed.

Too much padding early on where there was scope to have the cast killed off by unseen assailants would have been the better call. I don’t think this could even be lumped in with the ‘So Bad, Their Good’ crowd.

The central idea is a good one, rooted in science fiction, but it needed either a lot more cash or a director capable of making a low-budget work for them.

Overall Rating (Out of 5 Butterflies): 1
Uncork’d Entertainment will release Jurassic Triangle digitally on February 13, 2024.

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