Welcome to my personal film journal where I’ll be shamelessly sharing my love of horror — and candy — with my fellow scare and sugar junkies
I finally got that English Literature degree! The one I’ve been working part-time hard for since 2007! Now, what do I do? Find a job teaching? Write the Great American Novel? Read the Great American Novel? Nope, none of those things.
I spend my days and nights watching horror movies, eating Sour Patch Kids, and writing for this site. Then, I mix it all together and make a review journal out of it.
Ah, the journal! One of the most versatile forms of information-documentation and personal confession. You could keep track of the rodent mutations you create during your genetic sewage experiments, the victims you discreetly (but not too discreetly) stalk, the kitchen cutlery and power tools you have on layaway at Wal-Mart, the deepest, most intimate thoughts of all your different personalities and how they vie for domination, and your weirdest, wildest dreams.
Like last night, when I dreamt I was at a Rob Zombie concert with my grandmother. We were attacked by a gorilla with a fire extinguisher, and Rob Zombie looked exactly like George Eastman from Joe D’Amato’s horror atrocity Anthropophagous: The Beast. Of course, this begs the question: was it a good idea to eat provolone cheese before bed, or a bad idea? But I digress.
Even books written from a first-person narrative perspective are basically journals. With this in mind, I am going to begin writing a bi-weekly horror review journal. These will be very informal reviews, and each new journal entry will contain between 2 – 5 brief movie reviews, plus any related (or unrelated) silly thoughts and observations.
The review system is (semi) simple: I write about what I’m watching and give short, informal reviews.
THE JOURNAL RATING SYSTEM
Blue Sour Patch Kids are for the best horror movies. Two blues mean even better. Three blues are total mind-blowers. Classicks! Only about a dozen horror films I’ve ever seen deserve three blues.
The second tier is Red Sour Patch Kids. One red means great, two mean really great, and three reds are just a gory set piece away from blue.
The third tier is Orange Sour Patch Kids. These are for the decent, average movies. One orange movies are ok, but weak. The clock-checkers. “How much longer is it?” Two-oranges are the time-passers — the “meh” movies. Three oranges are the horror movies on the fence, just falling short of a red. Ones that have a lot of things going for them, but don’t really “get there.”
Last and least are the Green Sour Patch Kids. Greenies are for the bad movies, because there are so many out there, just like green Sour Patch Kids. Every pack, there’s so many green ones! Ugh! One greenie is a thumb down, and two greenies is two thumbs down and a sneer. But these will have at least one or two redeeming qualities. Three greenies are the worst. Three greenies means I have a fucking stomach ache and need to put away the Sour Patch Kids and open up a book.
Is this all a silly idea? Maybe. But there’s so much true horror in the world, all over the fucking place. I think writing this journal will be a service to all of humanhorrorkind as well. And it could be loads of fun!
Remember the rules, horror brothers and sisters, because they’re too long to explain every time I post a new journal entry.
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