One thing this series has taught us is to expect the unexpected—and few films have been more surprising than “The Retirement Plan.”
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The random number generator is a fickle mistress. Some weeks, she gives us bountiful cinematic treasures; others, she robs us of hope and sanity. She’s in the charitable holiday spirit this week, giving us a gorgeous neo-noir thriller featuring peak Cage, Red Rock West. Were the social media gods as kind to us with their pick? We asked our followers to help us choose between two other crime thrillers, 2023’s The Retirement Plan and 2013’s The Frozen Ground. It was another neck-and-neck race, with the former just edging out the latter. Let’s get into it!
IN THIS CORNER: KELLY MINTZER
The Lowdown
I, generally speaking, try to live by few rules besides the obvious and indelible ones; always return carts to the corrals, tip your server well, and don’t be a dick. But one of my hard and fast rules since beginning this grand and absurd experiment has been to keep my expectations fantastically low when Steph and the random number generator present me with a Nic Cage movie I’ve never heard of.
Well, friends, the good news is that rules are made to be broken because… damn. The Retirement Plan SLAPS.
Nic Cage plays a retired government assassin, hiding out happily on the beach until his granddaughter shows up, seeking sanctuary. Her mother—Cage’s estranged daughter—has gotten into some really hot water and sent her beloved child to hide out with Cage.
Of course, trouble follows wee Sarah, in the form of Ron Perlman and Jackie Earle Haley, and Cage needs to tap into a specific skill set. Or a set of skills. Whatever Liam Neeson says in Taken, I’ve never seen it. There’s a lot more plot in it, involving who’s working for who and what their motivations are, but honestly, the fun of this movie—and it’s a hell of a lot of fun—is watching the relationships play out.
The Retirement Plan is smart enough not to take itself too seriously.
There is some pointed commentary on the nature of politics and the reality that “good guy” is a nebulous term that depends a lot on where we’re standing. But the screenplay knows not to dwell too long or too hard on these things.
Cage is at an all-time high here, interacting beautifully with the granddaughter he never knew he had, struggling to figure out how the hell to care for a 12 year old, even one as clever and self-sufficient as Sarah.
And then there’s the Sarah of it all. Kids in movies can be tedious, especially when they’re precocious. All too often, adults have no idea how to write clever children, so they read as…irritating. But Sarah is great. Credit certainly to the talented young actress playing her. I’m not blaming child actors; they’re kids, but they frequently struggle to deliver “wise beyond their years” and end up radiating a kind of bratty energy. Sarah’s adorable. Both smart and sweet, but also with the actual limitations in knowledge that even a clever child would have.
Sarah pairs well with both of her adult scene partners; she has a sweet, enthusiastic energy with Nic Cage, and when she gets kidnapped by Ron Perlman’s morally grey hitman, she radiates pensive but hopeful vibes. It is not surprising that she thaws Perlman’s—who is also a goddamn delight—Grinch-y heart. The two are wonderful to watch together, enough so that you truly wish the inevitable end could be different than it is.
Throw in my favorite Ghostbuster (I see you, Ernie Hudson), and you have a cast that won’t quit.
There’s a lot of action stuff in there, too, so if you’re into that, hurray, you’re in for a treat! But for me, the script was sharp and funny and, at points, very incisive about the nature of this country, and the veteran and young cast alike are giving dynamite performances.
Great stuff, guys. Great stuff.
The Cage Factor:
Oh, hell yes, this is a Cage Fighter. The movie is fun, and Nic Cage is SUPER fun in it. He’s hitting all the right notes. There’s a moment where he is trying to talk his daughter into letting him lower her down a balcony, and she is justifiably scared. He says, “Don’t make me push you.” This may not sound like much, but the delivery is so beautifully casual and cavalier-and then he DOES it! It’s fucking great! HE’S fucking great. Yes. Watch. This. Movie.
AND IN THIS CORNER: STEPHANIE MALONE
The Lowdown
Nicolas Cage is a gift to cinema. I will die on this hill. The Retirement Plan is a shining example of why.
This quirky, offbeat action-comedy blends hilarious absurdity with heartfelt family drama, giving Cage the perfect playground to unleash his singular charisma. Director Tim Brown crafts a fast-paced romp that gleefully defies expectations, delivering a movie as unpredictable as its lead character.
Cage stars as Matt, a scruffy, estranged ex-spy turned beach bum living the good life in the Cayman Islands—or so it seems. When his daughter Ashley (Ashley Greene) and granddaughter Sarah (Thalia Campbell) become entangled with dangerous criminals, Matt is dragged back into the fray. What ensues is a delightfully chaotic blend of slapstick, shootouts, and emotional stakes that keeps viewers laughing and on the edge of their seats.
Cage is undeniably the centerpiece of this zany caper, and I’ve got plenty to say about him (more on that shortly). But the entire cast is firing on all cylinders. Ashley Greene provides a strong counterbalance to Cage as the grounded and determined Ashley, while Thalia Campbell shines as the precocious Sarah, whose bond with Matt gives the film its emotional heft. Heavyweights Ron Perlman and Jackie Earle Haley are every bit as good as you might imagine as the villainous (or at least unscrupulous) foils.
(Fun fact: Cage and Perlman became fast friends on the set of 2011’s Season of the Witch—I can’t wait until we get to that one—and it’s a big reason why Cage accepted this role. Thank you, Ron!)
The action sequences are as wild as you could want, blending explosive stunts with a tongue-in-cheek style. Matt’s resourcefulness and “I don’t care” demeanor make for some of the most entertaining fight scenes in recent memory.
The Retirement Plan is a hilarious, heartfelt, and thoroughly entertaining ride. It’s a film that doesn’t take itself too seriously but still delivers on its emotional beats. With Nicolas Cage at the helm, it’s a cinematic joyride you won’t want to miss. I regret sleeping on this one for so long, but I’m glad this journey Kelly and I are on led me to this happy place.
Whether you’re a die-hard Cage enthusiast or just looking for a fun, feel-good movie, this one’s a winner.
The Cage Factor:
Cage’s portrayal of Matt is nothing short of inspired. On paper, he’s the archetype of a reluctant hero, but in Cage’s hands, Matt becomes something entirely unique. Equal parts aloof and lethal, he delivers a performance brimming with eccentricity, self-awareness, and a surprising amount of heart. His comedic timing is impeccable (seriously, we don’t talk about this enough), whether he’s delivering hilariously deadpan lines or navigating the chaos with a shrug and a smirk. Yet, he also taps into Matt’s emotional core, portraying a father and grandfather rediscovering his purpose in protecting his family. This juxtaposition of irreverence and sincerity is Cage at his finest.
Look, is this a life-changing movie? Not really. It’s popcorn fare: light and silly but wildly entertaining. It may not be an essential cinematic classic, but for fans of Nicolas Cage, The Retirement Plan is essential viewing. It encapsulates everything we love about him: the unpredictability, the charm, the ability to turn even the most mundane lines into something unforgettable. The man is aging like fine wine.
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